Balls
by Penumbra Dea
Summary: That fuckin', nosy Sniper. Spy n' me's relationship, or whatever it is, is none of his damn business.
1. Chapter 1

It was that fuckin' Sniper, if it was anyone's fault, it was _his_. Spy won't even _look_ at me anymore, even _after_ I slipped that note under his door, all gay and shit about love. All he said was, "Go away." And he said that through the fuckin' door.

Nowadays, Spy only fuckin' does his job and then he's back in his room doin' God fuckin' knows what, and Sniper hasn't said a thing about any of it. He just stands there with that fuckin' _smirk_, probably taunting me, that tall fag. But, if I was ever gonna get Spy back into my bed again, I had to talk to Sniper.

I sat down next to him on the couch, closer than I really wanted, but Sniper didn't say a word, he just _looked_ at me. "Hey." Was all I thought to say. God damn it, he just caught me givin' head to a fuckin' spook a few days ago, and all I thought to fuckin' say was 'hey'. Shit.

"Hey." It was less awkward when he said it. He looked at me and I wished I could see behind his stupid shades. I hated those things, it was weird talkin' to someone without seeing their eyes. I could see Spy's eyes – fuck were they pretty, too. So he says fuckin' "Hey." again when I don't say anythin' back. (I can't fuckin' stop thinkin' about Spy, damn it.)

I stared at him hard and could hardly make out his eyes. He didn't have much of an expression there (not that I could fuckin' see it, anyway.) "Um." I bet Spy would have had somethin' pretty to say to weasel out of even talkin' to him. But Spy's still in his freakin' room... "About the other night...two nights ago? Whatever, it wasn't what you fuckin' thought."

He smirked at me (faggot!) and tilted his sunglasses down his huge fuckin' nose (okay, it's not huge, just, like, crooked) and I know it was a bad time, but his eyes were almost as pretty as Spy's (why am I lookin' at eyes, anyway?). "Look, kid, I don' care if you have some kind of homoerotic relationshi-"

"WOAH!" Holy fuck, I had to stop him from sayin' even more than he already had. No one was in the room, but that fuckin' Pyro was always evesdroppin' on everyone, and God forbid he be right outside the door. "Woah, _no way_, man." It wasn't that I didn't want everyone to know I was makin' the beast with two backs with a _guy_, that was bad enough on its own, but it kind of was Spy that didn't want anyone to know (that French cockeater? So weird). But whatever, Spy had his reasons (maybe he was ashamed of me?) and I totally respected that. Because that's what lovers did, right? Respect each other? Even if Spy didn't respect me all that much. "We got into a huge fight and I was punching his balls when you walked in." SHITSHITSHIT, that was fuckin' retarded, now say something that makes sense, bastard! "With my face." Yeah, that's better.

"Punchin' his balls?" Fuck, he didn't fuckin' believe me. Hell, I wouldn't believe me, I lie so much. "With your face?" He leaned back and laughed so hard the couch vibrated, slapping his knee like I just said a really funny joke. "I ain't stupid, kid. It was exactly how it looked. Fess it up."

"Fuck, whatever, asshole. Maybe Spy 'n' me _are_ shakin' th' bed." I exploded at him, and afterwords, my ears started to burn. "Just...uh, just don't tell anyone, okay?"

Sniper smirked at me and leaned in close, tipping his stupid cowboy hat off his forehead. "And exactly why would I do that, mate?" I felt the blood drain from my face and my mouth drop open. He must've gotten some sick pleasure or somethin' offa that, because he grinned at me. "I might. If I had a bit of persuasion. If you get my meaning."

My ears were burning again – I had an idea what he wanted. "No fuckin' way, man! You sick fuck, why wou-"

He leaned back and hummed loudly, "Who should I tell first? I bet Soldier would like to know two of his teammates were bumpin' uglies a few feet away from his own roo-"

"FUCK, fine!" I yelled at him, tensed. Then, when I had calmed myself, "Fine, sheesh. But, um, n-not here."

"Mm, of course, sweetheart." he leaned in and fuckin' _purred_ into my ear, his breath was hot and smelled a lot like whiskey (yuck). He grabbed my arm gently and led me down the hallways to his room. On the way there, his hand strayed to cup mine, and I was too freaked to say a word because fuck, I was gonna cheat on Spy so that Spy wouldn't have to deal with everyone knowing we were an item, or some shit. Fuckin' Sniper, was all his fault.

Sniper opened the door and held it for me, like I was some kinda woman or somethin'. But I went through it anyway, because why the Hell not. No reason in delaying the inevitable (got that one from Spy). After taking a deep breath, and making sure he locked the door right, I took his hand and brought him to his bed, which was surprisingly well-made. I didn't really have the focus to look at the rest of his room, but I knew that it was clean, or cleaner than my room, at least.

He sat down heavily, with his legs spread open. I stood between them, and just stared at him for a minute. If I was gonna suck this dude's dick, I'd like to at least get a better look at him. After a minute, he was twitching, all impatient, probably hadn't had his cock touched by anyone but himself in a long fucking time. I flicked his hat off across the room and tangled my hands into his dark brown, short hair and he jumped. Satisfied, I pulled his shades off, and threw them on the the bedside table. His eyes were brownish green...greenish brown?

I took a deep breath and sat down on my knees. And then, as deftly as my shakin' fuckin' hands could do, I untucked his shirt and unbuckled his belt. I paused, dipping my fingers into the hem of his jeans. "Do you want me to, like, take your pants all the way off, or what?" He just grunted at me like a pig, so I just pulled them down to his ankles. Apparently, he free-balled. Fuckin' _sick_, but easier for me, I guess.

And he was already rock hard, so I really didn't have to take the time to start that up. I had a feeling he got hard just thinking about it, fuckin' perv. His thighs twitched, impatient ass, and I licked the head, because Spy loved that kind of thing. Spy, Sniper, both started with S and both were from foreign countries, same diff, right? He moaned and I lapped at the pre-cum already beading at the slit. I'd like to say that Spy tasted sweeter or somethin', but honestly, all cum tasted the fucking same to me, not that I had much variety in my diet or anythin'.

The head popped through my lips slowly, my teeth purposely scraping down his length (average, at best). I swallowed the extra inches into my throat hesitantly, I'd only deep-throated Spy like once or twice, and I really wanted to give Sniper an incentive not to blab to anyone. (Especially Medic. Or Soldier, they're both fuckin' weird.) When my nose brushed against his wiry pubes, I hollowed out my cheeks and sucked. Sniper moaned like a bitch in heat, so I knew I was doin' okay.

He grabbed at my hair, so I gripped his thighs to keep him from trying to face-fuck me. But instead he brought his head down and whispered, "Use your tongue a bit more, love."

Fuckin' _asshole_, but I stuck my tongue against a vein on the underside of his shaft, and followed it until it disappeared and back, wrapped my tongue around the head before swallowing him again. "Ffffuck, yeah, jus' like that, love, _per_fect..." I started kneading his thighs, maybe his legs were sore or somethin' from squattin' up in his stupid hidin' place. Either way, it gave my hands somethin' to do and he seemed to like it.

Sniper threw his head back when he came, and I debated swallowing or spitting for a minute, then just swallowed, because fuck, I didn't have a lot of time to decide. He kind of got half-hard after that, but I didn't feel like doin' that again (even though my pants felt a little tight around the crotch area). He fell back, his legs still hanging over the side. Out of habit, I reached for the tissues on the bedside table. I cleaned off his dick, wiped my mouth off and threw it across the room. I sighed and pulled his jeans up because he sure as Hell wasn't going to. "Lift your ass up." I said, surprised when he obeyed, then pulled his jeans the rest of the way up.

Then I flopped down next to him. No one could say that I wasn't fuckin' sentimental. Maybe it was kind of coerced, but I just sucked his cock, so maybe I wanted to let him bask in the afterglow before the shock of me slamming the door closed popped him out of it. When I moved to get up, Sniper grabbed my waist and pulled me tightly against his body. "Few more minutes, mate."

"Fuck...fine." I cuddled closer to his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist.


	2. Chapter 2

When I finally woke up, I _almost_ screamed when I saw whose arms I was in. I carefully unwrapped Sniper from around me and skittered across the room as far from him as I possibly could. Well, until I remembered why I was there. Then I just cursed myself for falling asleep and not running back to Spy right away. I dashed for the door in the hopes that that asshole Sniper was too out of it to notice, but I just didn't have any fuckin' luck, man.

Sniper groaned and shifted up on his elbows, opening and closing his eyes like an owl. "Scout? Where ya off to, mate?"

"Uh, we have battle in a few hours 'n' I gotta make sure my shit is ready." He mumbled something as I hurried out the door and quickly shut it. I had no idea why I felt like I had to make an excuse, he practically mouth-raped me. Well, I consented, but that wasn't the fuckin' point. As I flew past the living area, where we all hung out to watch TV and play games and shit, I stopped to grab my bat.

It was freezing, God, metal bats suck.

I finally arrived at Spy's door after a few awkward minutes of thought. I moved my hand to knock, but for some reason I tried the knob instead. To my surprise, it was unlocked. I pushed the door in and took a few steps before I was attacked. "Where 'ave you been? I 'ave been waiting to tell you somezhing, mon amour."

Fuck, when Spy wanted to talk, it was never ended good for me. And now, what with that whole caught in the act thing... "Oh. Um, about what?" I dropped the bat and closed the door with my foot. Fuckin' Pyro was an eavesdropper.

Spy cocked his tight hips and practically floated to me. I took a step back as he wrapped his long arms around my neck and breathed into my ear. "Nous devons être ouverts sur nous-mêmes, non?" I shivered because, fuck, French turned me on so bad. My knees felt weak just listening to him, and the scent of cigarettes and wine was comforting after what I just went through.

"Um, what?" I mumbled, pressing closer to him, his lanky limbs enough to console me and make what I did all the more worth it.

"I say, Scout, zhat we should not 'ide our relationship any longer. I zee zhat now, sanks to zhat snooping Sniper."

I went from content to ice cold panic in record time. Oh God. OhGod. That's it, that's just fuckin' it! I gave head to fuckin' Sniper for no fuckin' reason! That fuckin' bastard, next time I see him, I'll make sure hi-

He pulled back with a smile, but frowned soon afterward. "Scout? Are you well?" I must have turned green or somethin'. Spy was staring at me like I was about to puke on him (and his expensive suit). "Per'aps we are not ready for such a beeg step, I should 'ave-"

"N-no! That ain't it, man. It's great, really. I'm, uh, really relieved to hear you say that." It wasn't exactly a lie, so at least that was a point for me. His expression after I said that instantly had me melting into his arms like some slutty teenager.

"Ce qui est bon. Shall we rest, zhen? I know you must 'ave been up all night zhinking of zhings to tell me, non?" Yeah, I wish. I nodded, and we ended up tangled in the covers, cuddlin' of all things. I would've thought that all I'd want is sex and shit, but jus' layin' there in the same bed as him, well, it's pretty awesome. Plus, I get to feel him up, his ass is fuckin' amazing, you wouldn't believe.

"Hey! Arrête, pervers!"

I had no clue what that meant, but he was laughin' so that was a good sign. He wrapped his long fingers around my own ass and squeezed gently, and I _almost_ giggled, but that's not manly, so I chuckled instead. _Big_ fuckin' difference.

"I made you giggle, Scout." Spy grinned so big I could see his gums. He rolled over and straddled my hips like the freakin' Queen of England (is that bitch dead, yet?) and taunted me. "I wonder 'ow many times you 'ave giggled in your life. I know you cry every time you see a rainbow –"

"Nuh-uh, fuck off, dick muncher!" I chuckled – fuck, _fine_, I giggled, a little bit, as manly as possible – and shoved a pillow at his smirky, cocky face. "Bonk!"

After that, everythin' fell into a some kinda chaos, we threw pillows and shouted shit at each other and it all ended up with his tongue down my throat. And, God, no one could ever know how much I missed that. It'd only been a few days since we last kissed like that, but it felt like months or years. We moaned like whores and rolled against each other as aggressively as possible. I don't think there was any intent to actually have sex, but it felt so fuckin' good that I didn't care.

There was a short repose at one point where Spy said, "Ought we go to bed now, Scout?" I swallowed, and hugged him closer to me. He smelled like cigarette smoke and expensive, French cologne. I nodded into his shoulder, and we stripped to our underwear (boxer briefs for me, a sweet ass thong for Spy [that I picked out]). We snuggled down under the covers, and his long (fuckin' loooooong) limbs wrapped around me.


	3. Chapter 3

The lack of warmth finally woke me up. I opened my eyes for, like, a second, and almost clawed my face off. That fuckin' sun! I sat up, rubbing my eyes. "'ey, Spy –" I groped the right side of the twin bed and felt nothin' but thick blue covers. "The fuck." I jumped up. My heart was almost beatin' outta my chest, this _was_ the right room, wasn't it? The door opened, and Spy stepped in with a towel wrapped around his waist, skin damp.

Oh, thank God.

He looked surprised to see me awake. "Oh! Scout, you still 'ave an 'our or two...wouldn't you like to sleep a bit longer?"

"Pfft, nah." I swaggered up to him, grinning my cockiest grin. "I'm up now, _baby_." I swung my hand around and squeezed his ass through the thin fabric, raising my brows suggestively. "Eh?"

He rolled his eyes at me, but smiled all the same. "Please, Scout, your advances are getting _awkward_." Spy leaned down, and I met him half-way for a short kiss before he walked across the floor (his hips fuckin' swayed). "Did you want to shower?" He asked, drying himself off in front of his dresser.

I shrugged and threw myself onto his bed. "Nah. I'll take one t'night. Jus' gonna get sweaty anyway, what's the point?" I heard Spy make a noise as he slipped into his monkey suit. "What? What the Hell's that sound for?"

"Nozhing, of course." Spy turned and gave me a look, "Per'aps your stench will give you some lee-way, hm? I doubt anyone will venture too close."

"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, like your chain-smokin' ass can get by anyone with a decent sense of smell." I sneered, scratching at my hair under my cap and headset. I couldn't figure out why Spy didn't think the smell of smoke wouldn't, like, pretty much give him away. I mean, the RED Sniper can't be that fucking stupid, can he? Our Sniper…well, nevermind.

"Exactly, cher." He agreed, and I just snorted, but let it go. Spy never really elaborated about how all his stupid Spy tricks were done. Somethin' about a magician never revealing their tricks.

I shrugged and sat up, perching on the edge of his bed, cheek in hand. "Alright, whatever." I yawned, and stretched. "How are you never tired in the fucking morning?"

Spy stared at his little knife before stuffing it into his suit jacket, and his gun was right after it. It took a few minutes, and what little patience I've ever had was wearing thin, but finally he said, "Practice." Well, fuck, thanks a lot, geeze. I decided not to push my luck any more than I already had. I'd like to think we share and talk about everything, but we just fucking don't. I mean, I get why, he's a Spy, he can't really help it, but, still. I don't think I'll ever tell him that, though. I glanced at the clock blearily and sighed, almost eight. Soldier would be around to wake everyone up, so I stood up.

"I'm gonna go to my room, so Solly doesn't flip his freakin' lid." I gestured at the door. Spy nodded, and showed me out after gracing me with a French kiss (hehe). French bastard; I grinned, though, and squeezed his arm before taking off down the hall.

Sniper probably wasn't even in his room anymore. He _has_ a room (it was where I fuckin' did the deed), but he likes sleeping in a lame camper van just outside. The RED Sniper does the same thing—you woulda thought that they would've make some kinda big deal about it, but it hasn't been mentioned, really. Fuck. Shut up, brain, quit thinking about that Aussie, kangaroo punching, pissin' in a jar bushman. I slipped into my room just as I saw Solly's hat come creeping around the corner. Freaking close. A few seconds later, he was pounding on the door, yelling somethin' about birds and worms.

"Yeah, yeah, fuck off, old man!" I yelled at him as soon as I heard him march passed, freaking sociopath (I still have no idea what that means, but Spy says it a lot). I thanked God when he didn't come screaming back and rip off my head. When I thought enough time had gone by, I sauntered outta my room and zoomed for the kitchen. At the archway, I yelled, "Py, pancakes?"

"Mmmph." Was his reply. Whatever it was. But he put a plate on the table, and fuck if that wasn't good enough for me. I grabbed it and sat down next to Spy.

"Yow, wassup?" I said, and dug in quickly. Spy just gave me a look over his cup of coffee, his eyebrow raised. "What?" I asked between mouthfuls of pancake. He smirked a little, and shook his head, and just kinda stared at me. "Whatever, man." I grinned at him, and took a swig of the orange juice Pyro handed to me. Solly was the next one to join the fun, followed by Engie and Demo (but I can't say that Demo looked alive, anymore).

"GOOD MORNING, BOYS!" Solly shouted, saluting with that stupid 'L' sign over his forehead (I thought that always meant 'loser,' but he didn't seem to think so).

"Mornin'." Engie smiled under his hardhat, tipping it in our direction and Demo just mulled around, smelling like shame and booze.

"_Bonjour_." Spy said, though I thought that maybe his eyes locked for too long with Engie's, or maybe that was just me. Either way, I "accidentally" stuck my foot out as Engie walked by. Spy glared at me, but I pretended not to notice as I watched Engie stumble and fall face first into the refrigerator.

I snorted, "Geeze, watch yer step, hardhat." I grinned as he picked himself up, rubbing the back of his head and looking around for the obvious culprit. As soon as his eyes landed on me, my grin grew, but my gloating was short-lived. I could feel Spy's scowl as he batted me across the head and I turned to look at him with the most innocent expression I could muster, even though we both knew each other too well by that point for him to fall for it, or for me to _expect_ him to fall for it.

"What? I din' do shit." I parried, raising my bandaged hands in defense.

"Hm." He smirked and raised his brows, a look of revelation on his face. Well, shit. His eyes flitted between me and the embarrassed looking Engineer, with an obvious thought, _was that you being jealous?_ I just snorted at him, raising my lip like I was disgusted with it even before he was able to say it. Because, maybe it was true, but I sure as Hell wasn' gonna admit it. There was a few minutes of silence between us as Pyro dished out pancakes, and drinks to the rest of the team, with Sniper's absence going unnoticed.

"…So." I started awkwardly, not for the first time unsure. Last night Spy'd said he wanted to be open, but people say stupid shit like that all the time. I didn't want to grab at him and have him flip out.

He stared at me for a moment, before he tensed a bit. "Oh."

"Yeah. So?" I pressed.

He looked thoughtful, then raised a gloved hand, poised it over one of my own and—

"G'day, mates."

FUCK.

We pulled back like we were burnt, any semblance of comfort totally gone. I knew Sniper saw…but, still, it was weird. Especially after…

Everyone greeted Sniper without a second thought except for me and Spy. When Spy seemed composed enough, he raised his eyes and cleared his throat. "_Bonjour_, Sniper."

Sniper gave me a devilish smile and I paled.


	4. Chapter 4

I wanted to tell him to fuck off, or to at least stop grinnin' like an idiot, but I just glared at him instead. I wish I could fire lasers from my eyes. He sneered at me and walked around the table, taking a plate of pancakes and coffee with him. I almost fucking died when he sat down next to me. I leaned over towards him and hissed, "Sit somewhere else, _asshole._"

"Tha' any way to talk to someone who gave ya what ya loike, love?"

I looked up to make sure no one heard—Engineer was leanin' forward a bit too much. I scowled at him, "Yo, you got a problem dere, hard hat?" He retracted under his ugly yellow hat, like some kinda turtle. I sat back in my chair and just tried to ignore Sniper as best as I could with him sittin' right freakin' _there_. Spy gave me a look, and I reached for his hand under the table. I could at least have _that_. Spy smirked at me, cigarette dangling at his lips.

I felt a shoe trail up my leg and I peered at Spy. He stared back, eyebrows up. I shifted and looked under the table, then shot up to glare at Sniper. His mouth practically split his head open. I leaned over to him again, "_What_ is your major malfunction?"

He opened his mouth to say something, but the old hag announcer interrupted and I jumped up more eagerly than I meant. I was already halfway to the respawn when I yelled, "Last one dere's a dumbass!" Obviously, _I_ was the first one there, and I hid behind the door. Sniper was right behind me, like I thought, and he walked in, all swagger an' no boast.

I gave him a small push and dodged the stupid knife he carries with 'im everywhere. "Seriously, you _suck_." I kicked the door shut and barred it up with one of Soldier's extra shovels. "I did whacha wanted, whatsyer problem, man?" I could hear the confusion on the other side of the door as I leaned against it.

Sniper grinned at me, "Jus' milkin' it fer all I can." Cocky motherfucker.

"You fuckin' asshole, touch me again, I'll beat yer head in 'til I hit tonsils."

He raised his hands up, smirking. "Awh, mate, when I touch ya, you'll be beggin' for it."

"Sonova bitch, I'll—" We both moved out of the way as soon as we heard Heavy start yelling. The door caved in, and as usual, Medic wasn't far behind.

Heavy straightened up best he could with all that fat and gun he parades around. "What were leetle men doing, with door locked?"

"Strategy, mate."

"Strategy?" Medic sneered. "Ze Scout would not know strategy if it strangled him to death."

"Yeah, fuck you, too." _G__od_, Medic is such a bitch.

"Oh, zhere iz some order to 'is chaos, Medic." Spy walked in, looking down his nose at our co-workers (if you could really even call them that.) Soldier was able to push past Heavy to start some kinda cry to action or somethin', I dunno, I didn't pay much attention.

Me an' Spy slinked to the back, behind the rest of the team. Pyro muffled something, I just nodded, and I guess that was the right answer, cuz he (she?) didn't say much else. "My hero," I teased, smirking at Spy.

"Of course, a gentleman always comes to zhe aid of a damsel in distress, non?"

"Pffft, please, man, if anyone's da damsel, it's _you_."

"Oh, zhat so?"

"Uh, yeah, yer all frills and wine and perfume and pretty suits, s'real girly."

"I 'ope zhat isn't a problem." Spy inched closer to me on the bench, lips curling.

I raised my chin at him. "Nawh, s'kinna hot. I getta be the man, you can be da chick."

"I'm flattered, really."

"WHAT IS THIS? SPEAKING WHEN YOU ARE NOT SPOKEN TO?" We both groaned and looked up as Soldier came barreling through the team. "FOR YOUR INSUBORDINATION, DROP AND GIVE ME TWEN—NO, THIR—NO, BETTER YET, _ONE HUNDRED_ PUSH UPS!"

"Uhhhm, no?"

"But of course, Soldier, sir." Spy smiled as sweetly as a shape-shiftin' rat could.

Soldier nodded at that and glared at me (I think) under his helmet, "YOU SHOULD BE MORE LIKE SPY, HERE." He brings a hand down on Spy's shoulder, and he winced on impact, but just kept smiling that fake smile. "LOYAL, PROFESSIONAL, AND HARD WORKING, EVEN IF HE _IS_ A BIT SUSPECT." He eyed us, then turned on his heels, all military like, and walked back to the front to continue his rambling.

"Ya know, he says yer loyal and hard-workin' _now_, wait a few minutes on the field, an' 'e's dissin' everyone."

Spy rubbed at his shoulder grimly. "Indeed. But, quite a grip 'e 'as, I must admit."

I snickered at him. "What, 'e break yer shoulder?"

"Maybe. And what would you do zhen? I don't zhink I'd be able to 'old myself up in your favorite posi—"

I pushed a hand over his mouth, looking around. They weren't paying attention to much of anything at this point, thank God. "Awh, c'mon, man, don't talk like dat, totally ruins yer good-girl image."

He pushed my hand away with a loud snort. "You say zhat, but you like it when I talk dirty in bed."

"Uh, key word, dude? BED. Save it."

"_TWENTY SECONDS._"

Everyone who hadn't already grabbed their weapons scrambled to fetch them. I grabbed my scattergun, mad milk, and I already had my bat, and prepped myself with a few stretches, and Spy stood nearby, twirling his knife. "What, ya can't stay away from all dis?" I threw my heel up onto the bench and leaned over to stretch the hams.

"I can't seem to 'elp myself." He shrugged, and sucked on the cigarette, staring at me with a raised brow.

"_TEN SECOND__S._"

I straightened up and jogged in place. "So, you ready?"

"I am always ready, mon cher."

As the time came closer, I could hardly even hear Heavy and Medic cooing over each other, or the sexual tension between Engie and Solly practically snap, or even hear Demo blubber over being a cy-whatever. "Alright, less'go, less'go, less'go!"

"_FIVE SECONDS._"

"LET'S DO EEEEEEEEEETTTTT!"

"Shut the Hell up, tryin' ta concentrate ovah heah!"

"Jussa one eyed bloody monstah…"


	5. Chapter 5

"BEGIN."

I took off, raising my bat over my head as I ran, trying to keep my strides as long as possible—being a Scout means I'm all about speed, man, and I take some fuckin' pride in that. The sound of the metal bat bouncing' off skulls hard enough to crack bone was just beautiful. "Bonk!" I yelled and smashed my bat into the RED Medic's face, and jumped over him swiftly, using his shoulders as a jumping point. I heard the RED Heavy roar and start shooting in my direction, but a quick sip of Bonk gave me enough pep to dodge outta the way.

I could hear a Solly screamin' in the background, and even my Heavy and Medic congratulating each other for every kill made (they always had to fag up the freakin' battles, I get enough of that from Spy, thanks). I ducked under a piece of the RED Base's building to catch my breath; suckin' in as much air as I could (I have great lung capacity, by the way, hehheh). I rubbed my already damp hair under my cap, and pushed myself from the wall. Today was gonna be my freakin' day, that intel was as good as mine, baby.

At first, I guess I didn't notice it, and by the time I did, my face was smashed into the cement. "Bonjour, petit."

"Ffffuck." Downside of hanging around a Spy all day: you get used to the cheap-ass cologne and cigarette smoke. "Get offa me, ya fuckin' pansy."

I could almost _feel_ RED Spy grin, and as I struggled, he wrenched my right arm back (after throwing my bat across the room) and held it there. Every time I moved, he jostled my arm further up until I thought it was gonna fuckin' break, or pop outta the socket. "Oh, Scout, you _wound_ me."

"Yeah, gonna wound ya alright, yer gonna have a smashed in skull when I get done wicha." I kicked as wildly as possible, but he pushed my face into the cement harder, grinding until I knew for sure I was startin' ta bleed. Oh, God, it hurt so fucking bad, my eyes were starting to sting. "Rrrgh, mothuh…fucker." I swung my free elbow out and just barely clipped his side. Fuckin' Spys are too damn skinny, can't hardly hit 'em without bein' a God-awful Pyro.

"Zhat's one way to say it." He pushed my arm up and I grit my teeth together, fighting it. "But, I do wonder, your mozzer is so good wiz 'er _tongue_…" I swallowed as he ground my face against the pavement again, I could feel the blood flowing out of the cuts on my cheek and forehead. "I wonder, is zhat a _genetic trait_?"

Oh my God.

"Want to find out, Scout?"

I desperately tried to shake my head, then sneered up at him, out of the corner of my eye. "Fuck you."

He grinned and leaned down over me. I clenched my eyes tight and almost screamed when I felt him collapse on top of me. But, he was so boneless, I was able to push him off. I hurried to the other side of the room, and grabbed my bat. Except, once I got a good look, he had a bullet right between his eyes. "Sonovabitch!" I kicked the corpse in the ribs, and even more blood squirted out the bullet hole.

I looked up and scanned the usual places Sniper liked to roost, but I couldn't see his scope. "Fuck you, asshole, I coulda taken him!" I screamed, kicked the body again, and ran off in the direction of the intel, my shoes probably tracking blood across the entire base and giving away my location. I slid as I tried to stop at a corner, and almost got blown apart by a crappy little sentry blocking my path.

"Shit." It beeped a few times and rotated. I took the last sip of my Bonk and rocketed around it, dodging bullets and a pissed Engineer's shotgun. Once I hooked the intel on my back, I jabbed my bat into the Engineer's face right as he started at me and hopped over his lame-ass sentry. "Say goodbye ta yer secret crap, dumbass!"

"Dagnabbit, damn it!"


	6. Chapter 6

The RED Engineer started firin' at me as I sprinted off, yellin' about city boys or somethin'. I turned around and grinned at him, "Later, faggot ass!" That really pissed him off; his aim got a _Hell_ of a lot better. A bullet blasted off one of my kneecaps and I stumbled off to the right. The intel fell a few feet away.

"WE HAVE LOST THE ENEMY INTELLIGENCE."

Oh, fucking Hell, getting shot stung like a sonovabitch; it kinda made the cuts on my face sting even worse. I considered callin' fer Medic, but there was a good chance he'd either get blown to bits by the Engie, or was busy doin' whatever the Hell he and Hea—ya know, I'd rather not even finish that thought. I shifted up on my elbows as he started saunterin' towards me like a cowboy who'd hogtied his cow (that's what cowboys do, right?) and I scrambled on my good knee to the intel. Just as I reached for it, a large boot crushed my palm into the dirt. "Giddoff, ya fuckin' sonovabitch!"

RED Engineer glared down at me, then chuckled and crushed my hand into the ground harder. I could feel one or two of my fingers snap, at least. "Ya'll might git on past mah machinery, son, but ya ain't no match fer a _real Texan_."

I punched his thighs and pulled at my hand under his boot. "Texas fuckin' sucks ass." I spat some blood into his face. I hit his chin. He smirked down at me, and wiped it off with his glove. His foot pressed into my hand even harder; I could see my blood seeping out from under the sole of his shoe. It would have made me faint if I'd been a complete bitch. Instead, I touched my torn up leg for some fresh blood and aimed. While he was wipin' my blood offa his goggles, I pulled out my pistol and shot at his foot until he flinched back with a crazy yell.

Oh God, I felt like I was bleedin' outta everywhere now. I grabbed the intel with my broken hand (shitshitshitshit, that fuckin' hurts) and kicked at the Engineer's leg. He stumbled down onto his knees. I shot up on my good leg and hobbled off towards the base. "Medic! Doc, c'mon, man!"

A few minutes later, he came dashing up with Heavy not too far behind. "Mein Gott, vhat happened to you?" Medic nagged and followed after me, blasting me with the gun; it felt so fuckin' good, I could see why Heavy put up with Doc's pushy bitchin'. I could feel all my wounds stitching themselves up.

Once I'd healed up fully, I raced off into the base, yellin' back at him as Heavy came roaring up with his gun. "What does it fuckin' look like happened, _Mom_."

"_MOM?_"

"Hah, fuckin' bitch." I grinned and hurried back to our own intel room. I jumped over the RED Scout just as he attacked me with his crappy little bat. "Dude, ya gotta be faster 'n _that_!" He snorted and jogged after me, but seein' as we both run about the same speed, I was a few steps ahead the whole time. A few minutes later, I heard Heavy start laughing (if you can call that laughing). Dude was nothin' but blood on da wall after that. Once I made it into the intel room, I threw the briefcase down on the desk next to our own.

"WE HAVE CAPTURED THE ENEMY INTELLIGENCE."


End file.
